How to spot a recruiter

Chances are wherever you go in the Square Mile you will be within several feet of a recruitment consultant. You need to watch what you say in their presence. Things you take for granted; reading out your mobile number for a friend, mentioning where you work or talking about new hiring plans, will be scooped up and used against you in cold calls for the rest of your life.

Fred Bayr can help you discern when you are in the danger zone but you’ll need to pay close attention. Recruiters are wannabe bankers. They’ll wear TM Lewin shirts and pin stripe suits like you, “to get your buy in”. They’ll flatten and part their spiky hair to look credible. Some may even carry briefcases (for their Tesco Value sandwiches and lads mags). But there is one way you can tell the person next to you is a recruiter not a banker.

He’ll be carrying a copy of the FT to look acceptable. Notice his eyes darting up, down, left and right as he panics at the sight of so many words. Notice the twitching left leg as he fears you may figure him out. Most obvious of all, prior to now, he’s never touched a broadsheet in his life.

You know the guy opposite is a recruiter when he tries to turn the page and the entire middle section drops out. He then looks up at you like a waiter who just dropped the main course your starving belly was craving.

You laugh, but, remember, he is a fellow human being. He’s someone who has faced a world of rejection. Someone who has had one too many lonely nights eating Birds Eye fish fingers and McCain microwavable chips. That person is me.

He may pick up the paper but he’ll never pick up his self esteem as he enters the office, picks up the phone and is told to F   OFF for the twenty zillionth time!

Regardless, recruiters are jammy dodgers you should never trust. Beware!

Intelligence will not earn you more respect...if you are a recruiter

As we value adding recruiters sit in our offices day after day, staring at the same database of candidates (until we have to utilise the discounted eye checks our employers promise and probably take a scummy commission from), the outside world fills with excitement. Revolution parades through the Middle East,(sort of) radicals protest against spending cuts  and we... have our heads stuck in the burning furnace of rejection, listening to the world's most hated people telling us to eat what pigs happily roll in.

With the world passing by, you’d think you’d be able to turn to colleagues for inspiring intelligent conversation. This may be true for doctors and engineers but not for salespeople.

Look, I’ll be honest. I’m not the brightest bulb in the box, I’m a recruitment consultant. But you know what? I’m probably the brightest recruiter in London. Why?  Because I got a 3^rd class in English Literature from the University of Winchester. Unfortunately my polytechnic colleagues think I’m an intelligent snob whenever I try and start a conversation about famous Shakespeare books I haven’t got round to reading yet, like Pride and Prejudice.

Mind you, it’s the receptionist I feel sorry for. She thinks Jim is an intellectual snob because he got a 1st  from Nottingham Trent despite “hospitality management, being, like, really, really hard”. Still, recruiters are treated with more disdain than receptionists? It’s such an unjust world!

The most wanted candidate in the City

            I called a meeting with my subordinates yesterday. I asked them to name me the best candidate in their respective fields, Corporate Finance, Finance Change and Product Control. All 3 of the dimwits (they’re recruitment consultants after all, I wasn’t expecting much) remained silent. I asked again, with arms crossed staring at the Pepsi slurping, jelly bean chewing timewasters, less than a year out of uni. “Fine”, I said, “what’s the name you hear the most about in your area”. One clever clog told me all he ever hears on the other end of the phone is “F**K Off”. The other two nodded in agreement like conformist c***s.

            So there we have it. Apparently there is only one candidate in the City of London. His name is “F**K Off”. He is a bit of a busy body multi tasker. According to my retarded team he works in Front Office & Middle Office for all the banks in the City at the same time. “F**K Off” is everywhere. He’s the last candidate left in the banking market.

The race is on to headhunt this guy. Are you up for the competition?
If you pick up the phone, ask for the name of the candidate you are speaking to and are told “F**k Off”, you should consider yourself lucky in this post credit crunch- on the verge of a double dip- investment banking recruitment market.

Good luck.

The coldest of all calls

  Masochists love pain. You can tie them down and whip them with leather belts- they’ll love you for it. You can force them to bite rocks with their two front teeth and they will buy you flowers in return. You can force them to stare at Anne Widdecombe’s zoomed in mug whilst singing Stevie Wonder’s “Isn’t She Lovely”–they’ll cry with joy.

            One thing no hardcore masochist can enjoy is making a cold call.  As painful as it is for those who make them, they provide more pleasure for sadists.

A report from think tank MBHM (Marry a Banker for His Money)  has discovered the number one cause of divorce amongst City professionals.

            Research revealed most headhunt calls made from female consultants take place between 7pm-9pm. These are the hours the candidate is in the shower after a long day at work. Innocently leaving his phone within reach of his beautiful wife, when it rings on private number, her suspicion over takes her. Every female recruiter loves to put on a sexy voice to make the call less cold. Add this to the pressure she is under to hit targets. The resulting combination of sexiness and heavy breathing when mentioning the candidate’s name means one thing for the wife.

            Not only are we commission seeking career destroyers, we are also home wrecking bank account drainers. Perhaps we’d make more money recruiting divorce lawyers. 

GUEST ARTICLE: “CityBoy" author Geraint Anderson on headhunters

I remember getting a call from Fred Bayr ten years ago trying to sell me a fake job and  get my managers name. I’ve got no problems with head hunters now but when I wrote ‘Cityboy’ in 2008 at the end of my 12 year stockbroking career I was a different person.
Those of you in the City now may feel exactly as I did then. Whilst in the thick of it I wrote...

I’ve always felt head hunters make traffic wardens, estate agents and even Manchester United supporters seem relatively acceptable human beings. They are essentially parasites living in the bloated stomach of capitalism. I know they are just doing a job but it is the way they do it that offends my sensibilities. Just like football agents who have a self-interest in promoting as many transfers as possible, head hunters will tell you whatever lies are required to encourage you to switch banks. If I had ten grand for every time a head hunter told me that my bank was falling apart and that all my colleagues were constantly calling him up desperate to move shop I’d be almost as rich as I actually am. You may think that estate agents getting two percent of the value of your house just for finding a buyer is a complete piss-take but head hunters often receive around thirty percent of a new recruit’s first year’s compensation. When you’re dealing with City types, who are sometimes earning seven figure salaries, that can be a disgustingly huge amount for essentially doing bugger all. I’ve also noticed that these spongers often ring up to get your details just so they can pretend to be involved in a specific job placement even if they have diddly squat to do with it. If you then do switch banks independently the head hunter who has got your details can sometimes try and get some blood money by claiming involvement. The sooner they realise they have no value and become street sweepers, the sooner the world will be a better, safer place.

I’m obviously a much calmer person now but are head hunters any more ethical? Will the nature of their job ever allow them to be?

Geraint Anderson is a former stockbroker and author of The Sunday Times Bestseller: CityBoy – Beer and Loathing in the Square Mile which can be bought here.

Find out more about his charity work at http://www.cityboy.biz/

 

A message to graduate recruiters

You are six months to a year out of university. You couldn’t find the ideal career so you were swayed into recruitment. You swallowed your pride the night before your first day and told yourself this could work. You looked around at the senior consultants with huge mortgages, no children and stale relationships and said: “if I work hard I can be like them some day”. You made yourself feel good by saying “hey, I might work in recruitment but I have a job, unlike 2.5 million people”.
            In your first week, like the interview stages, your team leader kept repeating, like a parrot, how much money you will potentially earn. Six months to a year in you’ve realised, “potentially” in recruitment means never! Boo hoo.
            You get into the cluttered office everyday at 8am, sweaty from a 45 minute commute. You’ve had your face rammed into a Bangladeshi armpit for 37 of those minutes smelling onions and armpit hair through an unwashed Trespass jacket that mice have urinated on. You sit at your desk, pick up the phone and....you listen to an answering machine. You do this non-stop till 6pm, stopping only for three things.
1)      A trip to the toilet.
2)      Your lunch break
3)      A meeting with your manager who reminds you every day how pointless your job is by asking why you are not hitting targets. You respond diplomatically: “Sorry, I’ll take responsibility. I’ll stay behind late tonight”

Deep down you know as well as your manager, you’re not hitting your targets because there are no candidates actively looking, none who can be convinced to move with your petty pitch  and no clients wanting to meet you due to upcoming hiring freezes. Those  disappointed by bonus payments will be likely to move out of banking altogether. They won’t be interested in the- watching paint dry type- financial reporting or java development roles you’ve been enslaved to recruit for.

You know what time it is. Time to leave the world of recruitment before the internal resourcers take over. Good night

Recruitment firm hires celebrity motivational speaker

MR T says: “GET ON THE PHONES MUTHAF****S”

Recruitment firm Resilient Recruiters brought MR T into their London office after a poor performance last quarter.

Fred Bayr interviewed Tony Wright-Chopper for his feedback. Tony graduated with a 2.1  in Objection Management from the University of Winchester last June. With the world as his oyster he chose a career in recruitment.

FB: What did MR T do?

TWC: He walked around the office all day shouting; "Get on the phones MUTHAF****S"!

FB: Did the different approach work for you?

TWC: Different? That's what our boss does everyday.

FB: Has MR T motivated you?

TWC: Yes, to hand in my notice.

Resilient Recruiters won our “Worst Recruitment Consultancy of 2010” Award.
CEO Michael Snowballs (who’s surname has a silent S) had this message for all candidates who voted: “Piss off you t*****s”! He has since resigned and is thought to be looking for work in the public sector.

SHOCKING NEWS: survey reveals poor perception of UK recruitment industry

A survey published today by Resilient Recruiters has found Britons believe the ten worst jobs are:

1)      Recruitment consultant
2)      PA to CEO of a recruitment consultancy
3)      Toilet cleaner in a recruitment consultancy
4)      Team Leader in a recruitment consultancy
5)      Rec to Rec Consultant
6)      HR Manager in a recruitment consultancy
7)      Marketing Manager in a recruitment consultancy
8)      Office Manager in a recruitment consultancy
9)      MD of a recruitment consultancy
10)   Sole white chef in a busy Indian restaurant
 

Recruiters from Hell

In our Recruiters from Hell series we will be publishing stories of candidates who have been victimised by these inarticulate creatures.  Send your story to financechange@gmail.com


Read Toby Jocks' story below.

Toby Jocks, a newly qualified accountant tells us: “ I was called during my father’s funeral and was pitched a job at BarCap as a Fixed Income Product Controller. When I told the recruiter-who claimed to be a specialist but thought fixed income meant fraudulent activity in cricket matches sponsored by banks- it was not a convenient time, he just kept rattling his script read spiel.  When I told him my father killed himself because a recruiter sold him a lie, he didn’t say sorry. He just asked if I had any colleagues or other family members who might be interested. They’ll never change”

So you want to be a recruitment consultant?

   My friends pulled puzzled faces when I told them I was a recruiter, wondering why anyone in their right mind would spend their life doing such a vile thing.
            Nobody ends up in recruitment by choice. I entered this squalid game 8 years ago having squandered my time at university, ending up with a third class degree. Being thick and lazy, but not wanting a life on the dole, I ended up in the City as a recruiter.
            Increasingly it is becoming the career of compulsion for more academic under-achievers. Consultancies lull in graduates with adverts on job boards telling them how they can pay off student debts in a year. The truth is, though you don’t need to be clever or qualified to work in recruitment, you need lots of one decreasing rarity: luck.
            My advice is, if you are thick or lazy and considering a career in recruitment, only apply if you want to be doing the following for approximately 60 hours a week.

1)      Earning just above the minimum wage: In today’s banking world there is no room for newcomers in recruitment. Only those with established relationships in the industry (like me) will be making any money. As a graduate today you’ll only earn your base salary; between 17k and 20k a year.
2)      Attending depressing morning meetings: As above, only a few consultants are making serious money. As you won’t be one, you’ll get in to work at 8am every morning only to be bawled at by your manager for not doing the impossible; hitting targets in an increasingly dry market. You’ll end up hitting your manager rather than your ludicrous targets.
3)      Listening to answering machines for 10 to 12 hours a day: Anybody working in  investment banking (even the toilet cleaner at Goldman Sachs) who receives a call from a withheld number knows it’s a recruiter on the line. With the fear of a double dip recession perpetually looming, few candidates want to jump ship for fear of being the last one in and the first one out – especially if you are recruiting below Director level. Thus, candidates would rather listen to pigs vomit than your pointless sales pitch.

                  So if you are thinking of recruitment as a fast-track to riches, think again. You might get more job satisfaction as that toilet cleaner at Goldman Sachs. At least you’ll be adding more value.

8 years of recruitment explains it all

What do you call a loser with no ambition? A recruitment consultant. I heard this joke being shared by two corporate financiers on the train home. The sad thing is, its not a joke, it’s the heart stopping truth for all underpaid post 28 year olds spending the majority of their lives on phones to people who hang up on them.

            If I could go back in time I’d have worked harder at school, gone to a proper university, earned a better grade and done something meaningful with my life. Something which provided decent money, autonomy and at least an inkling of satisfaction.

            People have been saying a lot of things about me recently on internet forums  and I’d like to give you a bit of context to explain why I might come across as “insulting and arrogant”, “a hypocrite”, “tasteless”, an “arrogant ignoramus”,  a“dumbo”,“a pathetic creature”, “an embarrassment”, “disgruntled, emotive and disillusioned”, “dismal”, “unprofessional” a “dead head”, a “plonker”, a “bitter failure”, an” idiot”, a “pratt”, a “weener” and “crass”. I am all these things because that’s what 8 years in recruitment has done to me.

            8 years of lying and being lied to. 8 years of micro management. 8 years of working a job that makes me feel like a manic depressive. 8 years of being treated like a sweat shop labourer by short fat women who take out their anger at not being able to give up chocolate on me. 8 years of being surrounded by the residue of polytechnics and failed artists. 4 years of being very successful at my job and 4 years of being an unproductive waste of space who does everything under the sun to get fired but is never let go by my desperate bosses. 8 years of wishing I’d accidentally overdose on lithium and wake up in hell to avoid having to go to work.. 8 years of being a closet Lib Dem supporter then having spineless Nasty Nick spit in my face after licking David Cameron’s shoes. 8  years of...misery I think sums it up best.

CITYBOY IS BACK WITH A NEW NOVEL: JUST BUSINESS

      If Vince Cable didn’t have to kiss David Cameron’s backside before opening his mouth, perhaps he would have Geraint Anderson write his speeches. Geraint has lost none of his energetic prose which made his debut novel Cityboy a cutting edge classic. Three pages in, the (justified) hero of banker bashing describes Goldman Sachs employees as “ the most vicious, repugnant ****suckers the world has ever seen”. If self-awareness is a requirement for leadership, Lloyd Blankfein has to agree this is a diplomatic understatement.

            Just Business is a sequel to Geraint’s debut. Narrated by Steve Jones, this gripping thriller brilliantly portrays his attempt to escape a complex crime trail brought on by a desperate attempt to leave behind the rat race of City life.

            This novel will be a surprise to many who thought Anderson was a one hit wonder. It reveals his ability to set intricate, suspenseful plots and create appealing characters. Upon reading this one discovers there is a bit of Steve Jones within all of us: a mysterious perpetual desire to escape the rituals of daily life. This novel forces the thinking reader to ask: is such a thing possible and are the results as desirous as we think?

Just Business is available to buy here

For more on Geraint click here

Who is Fred Bayr (Part 4)

Political beliefs

Until May last year Fred was a passionate supporter of the Liberal Democrats. Then the rose garden love in happened. Then the Comprehensive Spending Review. Then the tuition fees hike. Then the failed AV referendum and the 600 plus council seat losses. Now Fred is a political atheist- all faith has been lost.

Fred hates his job. The sole enjoyment in his life was once waking up every morning to a hot coffee, sipped from his Nick Clegg mug. He would munch on jam and toast from his Nick Clegg plate and dry up the dishes with his Nick Clegg tea towel. Whatever the weather, his bright yellow wallpaper would cheer him up. Now everything just seems...blue.

Who is Fred Bayr (Part 3)

Blog

Fred set up the highly popular and controversial Recruitment Rehab blog in December 2010 writing about his experiences in the industry. It has received a phenomenal amount of hits and has apparently led to a book deal. It featured a guest article from best selling author of City Boy- Geraint Anderson. The blog had to be taken down several times due to complaints of  its "highly offensive nature". 

Fred blogs regularly at eFinancialCareers. His first post was banned after causing an outrage. He has subsequently written several more articles each provoking global debate. One post: The Four Genres of Investment Banking Candidate was discussed on Wall St Oasis. Fred’s articles are famous for their contradictory arrogance and crassness. He is, after all , a recruitment consultant.

Who is Fred Bayr (Part 2)

Recruitment
Fred “fell into recruitment” after a year of unfruitful soul searching post graduation.
He has recruited across various areas in banking including corporate finance and equity research, areas he admits he knows nothing about. After the recession he switched to middle office, due to client demand, and currently recruits finance change staff- an area he also knows nothing about, “except how hard it is to find candidates, even rubbish ones”. It is unclear which company Fred Bayr works for. It is rumoured his former employers have offered him a large sum of money not to mention, in his public writings, the shady operations they asked him to indulge in.

Who is Fred Bayr? (Part 1)

Fred Bayr is a well known headhunter working in the City of London. He is also a columnist on the world’s largest financial services recruitment website eFinancialCareers.

Background
Fred was born on the 4th of Dec 1980 in an unknown location. He shares the same birthday as Ronnie Corbet- something he was severely teased about by a cruel primary teacher. This left him psychologically scarred.

 He was raised by a struggling single mother, until she committed suicide when Fred was 7. He was taken into foster care and eventually went to live under the guardianship of Edgar and Jean Griffin, parents of BNP leader Nick Griffin. After two months it became clear to the Griffins this arrangement wouldn’t work because Fred  “asked for curry every night”.
           
Social workers eventually made arrangements for Fred and he was fostered by a childless Pakistani couple in Ilford, Essex.
           
Fred stayed in Ilford until he left school at 18 and attended the University of Winchester. He graduated in 2002 (after repeating a year) with a third class in English Literature; an achievement he is extremely proud of. In an interview with the Ilford Recorder he said: “People with my kind of background don’t go to university. A third  for me is like a first for David Cameron”. The University of Winchester is rated 76th in the UK.