4 GENRES OF HIRING MANAGER

Published on efinancialcareers

As middle men (and women) we recruiters often feel like ping pong balls; bouncing all over the glorious Square Mile between arrogant coffee slurping candidates and two dimensional internal recruiters/’hiring managers’ who never look up from their Blackberries. As Freddie Mercury once sang, “it’s a hard life”.

Candidates complain about the poor quality service we provide them regarding issues such as interview feedback. However the reality is, much of this is simply the fault of hiring managers. To help candidates understand what we are up against when representing them, I have compiled a list of the kinds of HM’s who make us wish we worked harder at school so we would not have to chase these morons to pay for our beans on toast.

The four genres of investment banking hiring manager are:

1): The process followers:

These risk-averse dullards are guaranteed to have been accountants at some point in their lives. Hence, they have PROCESS drilled into their unimaginative brains. This means they cannot do anything without the permission of fat middle aged women who eat too many muffins, known as HR staff. HR staff are glorified secretaries who bizarrely have more authority than HM’s. This silly obedience to HR delays things, leading to exceptional candidates taking offers elsewhere and many of us recruiters downgrading from Heinz to Tesco Value.

2): The bored ones:

Banking is becoming less and less exciting by the day. As a result, an increasing number of hiring managers are happy to meet even more bored recruiters during hiring freezes, just to get out the office. Unfortunately, these guys immediately negate the affects of a double espresso when it is needed most. Stuck in the rat race, they give off very little enthusiasm, and oblige recruiters to over-compensate. For all of you who have been sold jobs that were not accurately described, now you know why.

3): The schizophrenics:

Now that their bonuses have disappeared, these guys need an extra kick from work which they seem to get by giving us a hard time. They call us every few months on our holidays with “exclusive mandates”, frantically begging for Ndebele speaking mining specialists willing to spend half the year in Zimbabwe. As soon as we dig up the earth and find them such an idiot, they tell us the candidate is no longer needed. This is why some candidates never hear back from recruiters.

4): The decent ones:

Last, and certainly least in terms of quantity, are those who are pleasant enough not to have the following recorded message on their answer-phones: “If you are a recruiter, speak to HR”. Sadly, that is the only nice thing about them.

New efinancial careers article: What do recruiters do in a hiring freeze?

The following article was published in my efinancialcareers column.

Back in February, I revealed that the most enjoyable days of recruitment arise in bonus season when arrogant Oxbridge bankers come grovelling to us polytechnic parasites like their lives depend on us. Joy.

However the worst time to be in recruitment is during the annual hiring freeze. This is usually reserved for Q4, but this year icicles began appearing in Q3 with the cold winds of sovereign debt blowing harshly about our nethers from July onwards.

In the ideal world, recruitment CEOs would like to send people on unpaid leave every Q4. In the real world, they are obliged to pay people to surf LinkedIn for three months. And yet, some recruiters are intelligent beings who use Q4 productively. Personally, this is what I have been getting up to:

1) Propping up Starbucks

With no reason to cold call candidates, we find our tyrannical KPI obsessed bosses forcing us to meet with clients to talk about their hiring strategies for the following year over “a quick coffee.” I am saturated in lattes and doing my bit for the African farmers.

2) Building my own team for Q1 next year

Banking recruitment will pick up again. Trust me, I’m a visionary (and I have insider info). Many recruiters leave their jobs in Q4 because they’re unable to cope with the boredom. Those of us left behind spend our time searching for the next generation of university graduates to replace them. Unfortunately graduates come out of university like babies from a womb: crying and fearful. It's almost more difficult to find a thick skinned graduate who can nail down deals than it is to find a geeky accountant with the twinklesome charm of Stephen Fry.

3) Tapping the trusting for information

There's clearly some crossover here with point one, but this activity need not necessarily take place over milk froth.

The trick here is to promise the world (come Q1 when hiring starts again) and to rinse the victim for names and department maps. Overseas candidates unfamiliar with this technique tend to be most forthcoming. We recruiters save this practice for Q4 as the two hours it takes to spell their names also helps kill the time.

What do people who “fall into recruitment” study?

The following article was published on Square Mile

“Education, education education”. These were the words of war monger Jonathan Powell, conveyed to the nation through the lips of the ever coy Tony Blair- the channeler of right wing ventriloquism. Unfortunately these words were not intended to mean we’d become a nation of Chinese or Indian-esque super efficient geniuses. Rather, they meant we’d become so thick we’d conflate the word polytechnic with university.

So now, consultants, risk specialists and investment bankers with PHDs in econometrics and quantitative analysis are subjected to brutal cold calls from those who would have been (happily) decorating their houses and unblocking their drains had the three evil E’s never been implemented in such a grotesque manner.

Recruitment Rehab has discovered the most popular undergraduate courses for recruiters who would have been manual labourers (had the past 14 years of education policy been different).

To end up in recruitment it seems you should (passively) “study” one of the following:

5. Real Estate Management at Oxford Brookes University

4. Administration at South Bank University

3. Fashion Marketing at London Metropolitan University

2. “Business Management” at Brunel University

And the most popular of all...

Employment for Dummies (self taught over 6 years from your bedroom).

You will certainly deserve the letters B.A. after your name and most likely the letters S.T.A.R.D too.

What's going on in the middle office?

HSBC, Barcap and any other major bank you can think of are shedding staff be it in IBD, retail or boring old back office. Essentially, to reduce costs banks need more technology to replace humans who are accountable for unpredictable performance and gross operational risk.(Computers don't take 5 minute cigarette breaks every 10 minutes nor do they need 30 days off every 12 months do they)? But remember MR CEO they do break down when you least expect them to (much like your libido).

Despite Credit Suisse announcing cuts in finance, most recruiters are optimistic about middle office hiring. But then most recruiters in London are thick. Very few possess market insight let alone foresight.

As finance change projects are being updated and re-implemented left right and centre in the mad rush for 2012 global ledger convergence it makes sense to think contractors and their recruiters are in the money.

That may be the case now but come 2013 (allow at least 12 months for major delays in implementations) when global general ledgers have been put into place (shoddily) processes will become leaner. Thus there will be less need  for product controllers, regulatory reporters and financial accountants. The machines that are creating the jobs now will take all the jobs in two years time. Unless of course recruiters are encouraging contractors to deliberately jeopardise implementations with unknown "disruptive occurrences" in order to lengthen the number of days at which they can charge £800 per day. No never. The chances of that happening are like the Murdoch empire crumbling, right?!

However, if that is true banks will have to make redundancies and invent computers that can implement computers. But who will implement the implementers? And what will us recruiters do?

Troubled times ahead indeed.

In other news- I've found out some pretty interesting things about some corrupt recruiters and there dodgy dealings with certain banks. WATCH THIS SPACE. If you are reading this and are worried better call your lawyers and get that defamation claim written up!

Until tomorrow...

Why being a lefty liberal might leave you on the wrong side of right!

I finally got through to a candidate who picked up his phone. I wish I hadn’t. This poor confused liberal has had his head screwed worse than me.

What better summer could one have than my candidate? First he had to cancel his very expensive holiday to Norway because some nutter (who looks like Julian Assange’s bloated evil twin) after probably just being served a few too many bad curries gets annoyed with Muslims (despite probably being served by Hindus but they all look the same don't they?) and takes things a bit too far (right) out of hand by massacring some innocent kids. (Somebody should have told him they were NOT aspiring to become recruitment consultants)!

On top of that my candidate found out his wife was sleeping with the Nigerian refugee who collects the rubbish ( apparently “out of sympathy”- he must have left too many Guardian newspapers lying around the house for her to read). It turns out she now has some strange STD which has left her infertile. This is not good news for more reasons than you think. You see on the wedding night she lovingly looked him in the eyes and said: “no matter what happens to us we must stay together for our kids”. Yes, I know what you’re thinking. To save his marriage he’ll  now have to adopt some children; probably the cousins of her Nigerian lover. The elderly couple down the road who have the Daily Mail delivered won’t be pleased.

Anyway, desperate to take out his sexual frustration this normally very rational citizen bought a copy of the The Sun for some page 3 frolics. (His internet connection was down you see and the guy behind the counter knows his boss so that left the top shelf out of reach). With the hurt of betrayal overpowering any chance of arousal he began reading the words instead and with all the events going on in the background he dangerously found the right wing racist ranting resonating within him!!! Shocked at this out of body like experience he zipped up his trousers and quickly logged onto http://www.libdems.org.uk/ to revive his lenient liberal tendencies. Needless to say when he saw Nick Clegg’s face he witnessed more betrayal, more disappointment and like the limp piece of flesh between his legs his liberalism never rose to the occasion.

He turned up to work the next day to discover New Labour’s theme tune echoing in his head. Indeed things could only get better. He was told via email his job would be offshored to a computer in India. This, he says, is only mildly better than it being offshored to a curly haired Indian called Nigel who uses cockney slang with an Indian accent.

All his hopes were ultimately dashed however when he realised this meant he’d have to take cold calls from dim witted recruiters like me. We are the residue of further left wing betrayal- New Labour. Had it not been for their brilliant plan to send every dyslexic 18 year old and his ADHD suffering sister to “university”, we may have become plumbers and joiners servicing his desperate house...and housewife. Instead, forced to find “graduate” work we find ourselves, hair gelled with pointy shoes in George shirts and Primark underwear, climbing the same steps outside Bank station as Saville Row pin striped Masters of the Universe...and confused liberal accountants, punting everything under the sun as “an exciting new opportunity”.

My candidate is losing his wife to a Nigerian, his job to India, his children to Nigerians again, he now reads The Sun instead of The Guardian and finds the only person he can confide in is a recruitment consultant...(who was raised by Pakistani foster parents after a stint with Nick Griffin's parents). Then, looking for a new job he logs onto efinancialcareers and finds this.

I asked him to meet me for a coffee at the Nero next to Liverpool Street station this morning to talk to him about a “fantastic opportunity” at Barclays Capital (that doesn’t exist).He turned up with an EDL banner to tell me he’d “found a new calling in life”.

I called the police but they were too busy being outsourced to Bangladesh to do anything about it. Should I be worried about my new racist candidate? 

Exclusive: Leaked email

The following article about a leaked email was published today on Square Mile

If you are one of the thousands of workers in the City confused as to why your, your mistress and your plumber’s CVs have ended up on every desk including your own, the leaked email below may explain a few things. 

A recently graduated recruitment consultant in a well established firm recently sent this email to a colleague.

(Being a recruiter, or severely dyslexic, his diabolical grammar and spelling (or txt spk) has been rectified for your comprehension). 

Mate, I’ve promised a candidate I won’t send their CV anywhere without their permission. I've got their permission to send them to three live roles. 

An urgent briefing has just come in from a new client and I know this candidate's CV is perfect. 

The client has given me a strict deadline of 4pm for all CV's. I’m not able to speak to my candidate until 6pm.

Sending this CV, which will convert to an interview, will allow me to hit my target for the week. 

If I don't hit the target my whole team will be let down, losing out on the internal competition. My team leader will be all over me again.

I’m sure I can send the CV out  then sell the role to the candidate afterwards. If I don't the guys at XXX will!!!! What should I do?

The response was simply: “welcome to recruitment...send out all CVs on your database to every single hiring manager you connect with on LinkedIn (every single day) and pray something sticks so you can pay for your rent...and hair gel”!

Annoyed? Join us at the Church of Moderate Capitalism for Sunday Mass where we will pray: “Dear Lord, regulate (or abolish) the recruitment industry”!

Fred Bayr: Diary of a loner- The Networking Event

No matter how hard I try the isolation of delusion keeps my frown firmly cemented in place.

            Last Monday evening I attended a networking event for entrepreneurs. I am not an entrepreneur nor do I have any realistic aspirations of becoming one. I went because the winds of loneliness forced me. I figured people proactively talk to each other  at these events so finally I could have some company outside of my working hours. I put on my best shirt and tie, gelled back my hair and thought if I stood in a corner with a certain look in my eye then for the first time since the recession somebody would talk to me. No one did.

            I stood, one hand holding a glass, the other sweatily clenched in my pocket. After twenty five minutes of feeling like the victim of a Paul Daniels magic trick I decided to “network” with others.

            After several dull conversations it became clear to me I was not on the same wavelength with anyone in the room. The length of a football match had passed by.I was down 2 nil: I looked like a complete loser amongst these bright ambitious go getters. I decided to leave.

            As I was walking out I somehow managed to pluck up the courage to speak to the most beautiful girl in the room. She had smiled at me. A friendly smile; perhaps inspired by sympathy. Perhaps she had seen me drowning alone in the sea of networkers and decided to throw me a raft. No. That would never happen to me. I thought I had imagined her smile but proceeded nonetheless.

            I immediately lowered my expectations. I saw a distinguished gentleman by her side complete with handkerchief in his suit jacket’s breast pocket. I assumed he had a pocket full of business cards displaying the words Private Banker or Fund Manager or even Fred Bayr’s Dream Crusher. But as I embarked upon my approach, somebody tapped his shoulder and led him away. I felt a wave of relief knowing  my crap jokes, ugly looks, Tesco Value prawn cocktail crisps breath and nervous twitch could go unchallenged. I didn’t know what to expect but I began to feel confident.

            I wasn’t in this for anything other than a conversation. Seriously.

            We talked. She worked in venture capital but wanted to set up a cosmetics business. She asked me what my business was. Without pause and without knowing where the idea came from I told her it was under construction. I could say no more as I hadn’t secured the patent. The lie created an air of mystery. After years of working in sales lying is second nature to me. I am not proud of this.

            She gave me a look that made me wish we were alone and stepped closer to me pointing her index finger. She began stroking my tie and complimenting my sartorial choices.  I was making an emotional connection but then out of the blue, at the peak of my excitement, she said she needed to leave. I knew it was all too good to be true. Before she left she pulled out her phone and demanded we exchange numbers before we part. My fate was suffering from bipolar: down one minute, up the next.

            The next day I called her to suggest we meet for a drink. She apologised three times before I could complete my invitation. She was tipsy the night before and “totally out of character”. I was a “really sweet guy” but she was “so busy with work and stuff” that she would have no time “ for the next few weeks”. She did suggest I “could call her then” by which point she will have undoubtedly changed her number. Expectation is a bastard.  I felt like a kid tied to a chair and forced to watch his best friends munch his chocolate birthday cake down to the last crumb only to have it all vomited out on his face.  To express myself honestly, I felt like crying. Everynight  since,before I fall asleep, I try to figure out why she smiled at me in the first place...